A Little Get-A-Way!

Well the New Year is almost here and my wife and I are getting out of town for a few days. We are really looking forward to some much needed relaxation. So many people have told us that relaxation is the key to getting pregnant, which is weird because I always thought it was sex. The trip should be great...my wife's crazy Clomid episodes are starting to mellow out! When we return it will be a new year and we look forward to many great things in 2007. One of these great things better be a baby damn it! Anyways, I hope you all have a Happy New Year.

Acupuncture to Wheat Germ Oil for Infertility

Since the Clomid hasn't resulted in much success yet, we are now starting to get a lot of recommendations for some holistic approaches to getting pregnant. We are starting to consider a few of these methods. The first is Acupuncture. I am a bit concerned about this because my wife faints when she gets her blood drawn, so I don't know that making her a human pin cushion is a great idea. We got a referral to go to Dr. Ding...now you know you are dealing with a pro with a name like Dr. Ding. The second method recommended was to take Wheat Germ Oil. Apparently polygamous women (who tend have tons of kids) take this supplement and get pregnant left and right. So, now with this new found information on the more natural approaches to getting pregnant, I have decided to research them further to see what might be best for my wife and me. The following links provide some more info to any of you who might also be interested.

Natural Approaches to Infertility
Holistic Approach to Infertility
Acupuncture and Infertility

Happy Holidays

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. The Holidays have been pretty busy. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus/etc. I will be posting again shortly. Thanks for reading!

I hate periods, period!

So the period started, dang it, yet another month goes by and my wife isn't pregnant. I used to dread when she had "that time of the month" because of the PMS that came along with it. I must also add that the late night trips to the grocery store to pick up Tampons and ice cream aren't all that fun either. Now, however, I dread "that time of the month" because with each period it just means that there is no baby! It also means another month of Clomid, which is kind of like PMS on steroids, and yet another trip to the grocery store. This leads me to conclude that there is absolutely nothing good about periods. Men hate them, women hate them, in fact I think the only two people who love periods are the CEO's of Midol and Tampax.

Chances of getting pregnant

I am now convinced that the chances of getting pregnant when you really want to are not that high. It's as if your bodies know that you are trying so they decide to mess with you for a while. All too often you hear about people who get pregnant when they don't want to be pregnant. What the hell is up with that? It just so happens that my scientific observations are that the chances of conceiving a child are at least 70-95% higher if you are drunk, 15 years old, or having a one-night stand. Life has it's mysteries and that just happens to be one of them.

We are all girls for a while...aren't we?

I had heard stories that all babies start in the womb as females and then after 8 weeks they either stay female or grow a penis (thus becoming a male...if you hadn't already figured that out). I was happy to find out that this isn't entirely the case because it just seems weird to think that for a while I was a chick. The reality of it is, that the sex is determined immediately when the sperm fertilizes the egg, the baby is either XY (male) or XX (female). There is, however, a period of about 6 weeks where the sex organs are neither male nor female, they are just non-specific. After thinking about all of this, I figured that all babies are really girls for a while anyway. You see, even if you are a boy, there was the period of the first few years of your life when your mother dressed you in all sorts of "cute little outfits" and pranced you around showing you off to everyone. The moms try to play this off by picking out these so-called baby boy colors like blues and greens. But if you think about it, they are really rather sissy because they are light blues and greens. To top it all off there is usually some picture of a clown, giraffe, elephant, or some other "precious little creature." So you see, we are all a bit girly for the first little while. It is just reassuring to know that our sex organs aren't non-specific for too long!!

Some crazy and amazing pregnancy facts

So, seeing as how I spend a lot of time looking into stuff about babies and pregnancy, I became interested to know some of the crazy pregnancy world records that have occurred. So here are a few things I came across on the Internet. Now I must note that I searched for documented information, but it was hard to find for all of these, so if you don't believe it, look it up for yourself.

1. The youngest mother ever was a five year old girl in Peru named Lina Medina, who gave birth to a baby boy by C-section in May of 1939. You can read more about it and see pics here.

2. As far as the youngest father goes, I can only find sites that state that in 1910 in China a boy and a girl who were 8 and 9 years old were the world's youngest parents. I can't find any documentation of this fact though.

3. The biggest baby ever born, according to the The Guinness Book of World Records, weighed 23.12lb (10.8kg) and died 11 hours after birth. The baby was born to Anna Bates of Canada in 1879.

4.The smallest baby ever born that survived is Rumaisa Shaik. She weighed only 8.6 oz and was only 10 inches long. She was born on Sept. 19, 2004. You can read more and see pics here.

5. A Russian woman who was known only as "the wife of Feodor Vassilyev" from the village of Shuya, gave birth to 69 children in the 18th century during 27 pregnancies. The matriarch produced 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four quadruplets. Some people say this is in the Guinness Book of World Records and others disagree, so I am not sure.

6. In 1998 the Chukwu octuplets were born in Houston. Unfortunately the smallest one died a week after birth. In 1997 the McCaughey septuplets were born and were the first surviving set of septuplets.

Never ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless you are 100% sure!

There are a lot of things you learn in life. Sometimes you learn by mistake and sometimes you learn from other people's mistakes. Luckily for me, I have never been the one making this crucial mistake, you know, the one where you asks a woman if she is pregnant and she isn't. There is nothing more awkward than being in this situation. The result, is now you have a woman who is thinking she is fat and even worse, she is thinking of how she wants to kill you. I mean talk about giving a person a complex. This poor woman will be stressed for weeks and will go around telling everyone about the prick that had the nerve to ask her if she is pregnant. The simple lesson one must learn is that all you have to do is wait until the woman herself, brings up the fact that she is pregnant. Remember you can never be too sure. I could be standing next to a woman who is nine months along and ready to pop, and all of the sudden her water breaks, and I am still not going to say anything about her being pregnant until she sparks up the topic. So unless you want to be fiercly kicked in the nuts or put on some lady's hit list, I suggest you take my simple advice.

Dear Santa

Shopping For The Baby We Don't Even Have Yet

What is with you women and shopping for babies? You girls go crazy...it is as if there is a chemical in your brain that triggers when you see those little outfits and you go into a trance that can't be broken. Even more strange than that are the women, like my wife, that shop for baby stuff and don't even have a child yet! It completely baffles me! We can't go to a mall anymore without stopping in some baby store to look at the clothes my wife wants to buy for our unborn child. That is when I turn into the "bad guy" because I won't let her buy anything. In reality we men are just doing you women a favor. You see I am the one that realizes that if we buy these clothes now, then by the time the child actually comes they will be out of style and my wife will refuse to put outdated clothes on our new baby. I think men around the world need to retaliate and start going to pet stores to buy collars and leashes for the dogs that we don't own or maybe start shopping for accessories for the motorcylces we don't/can't have.

Every Other Day

Some of my buddies have given me a hard time about trying to have a baby. But the other day I found the ultimate response to anything they bring at me. I simply explain to them that I get to have sex every other day. Not one of them has had a comeback to that and often I can see them thinking...hmmmm, sex every other day huh? maybe a baby wouldn't be so bad after all! I just know one of them is going to talk their wife into trying, thinking they will get to have sex every other day, but then they will get pregnant on their first try and then it will be sex every other month....if that! hahahahahahaha

The Gag Reflex

The latest and greatest of new side effects due to the Clomid my wife is taking is random gagging. What is random gagging, you might ask? Well, my wife and I will be sitting around and all of the sudden she might smell something, see something , or even think of something and just start to gag. Now, I hate to say that this is funny, but it is! She walks around looking like a cat about to cough up a hairball, while I just sit there laughing. Now she never gets to the point of barfing, thank goodness, or else I am sure I wouldn't be laughing. So far I have been unable to pinpoint any one thing that causes the gagging. It has, however, become a type of game for me to try and predict when it will happen. I will open the fridge and the smell of old leftovers will come out and I will think, "Ok, here it goes, here goes the gagging," but no, nothing. Then when I least expect it, like when we walk into a store that sells nice smelling scented soaps and lotions, she starts gagging. It is just so unpredictable.

No injections for me!

So the test results are in and I am usually not one to brag, but the results were extremely high. My sample could have easily fertilized an entire country. Apparently Kevin Federline isn't the only one with super sperm. The nurse said everything was well above the numbers that they usually look for. This of course is great to hear. So this means that everything is good to go for conception...the nurse told my wife she needs to just relax and be patient and it will happen.

Father-in-laws

Father-in-laws are pretty damn good at being able to give their son-in-laws a hard time. It didn't take me long to learn this lesson...you see when I asked my father-in-law if I could marry his daughter his answer was, "Yes, but if you ever do anything to upset her, I will kill you!" Tonight he really got me good. Today was the day that I took my semen analysis into the lab. My father-in-law was sitting by my wife and me at dinner and heard me ask my wife if the lab had called with the results. My wife said that the lab hadn't called yet and we were discussing the possibility of me having to take medication if there were any problems. My father-in-law turned to me and said, "You know if you have a low sperm count, they just give you injections right into your testicles!" My eyes got wide and my mind was racing. He was quick to laugh it off and I realized that he was just joking, but for a few seconds I really thought about the possibility of testicle injections and I about passed out! I will have to start writing these things down in a notebook that I can bring out when I have a son-in-law to torture.

What? The Wrong Sterile Cup????

After all the misery I went through to obtain a sterile cup for my semen analysis, it just so happens I got the wrong sterile cup. Apparently I was supposed to get a specific cup that had a laboratory form and instructions attached to it. So I am now pissed at the nurse that I thought was so great for not saying anything to me when she gave me the cup. So this time around I did the logical thing and sent my wife to pick it up. When my wife brought it home I decided to look at the instructions...which I thought at first were ridiculous because it seems pretty self explanatory, but there are some specific rules. First, you can't have sex for three days before the collection. Normally this probably wouldn't be so bad, but with the strict "trying for a baby" regiment we have been on, three days feels like a decade. Second, after you collect the specimen you must deliver it to the lab within 90 minutes and it must not get too hot or too cold. It is recommended that you keep it in a pocket close to your body. A pocket?...with all the up to date medical technology they have you would think they could give me a container to keep it in that helps maintain a constant temperature, but no, just put it in a pocket, that will do. I keep thinking to myself, what if I forget which pocket I put it in and I can't find it when I get to the lab. Then a month later when I go to the airport to get on a plane and the security person tells me to empty my pockets, all of the sudden I pull out a cup full of semen and say, "So that is where I put it!" Talk about an uncomfortable situation!!

New Nephew!!

Yesterday at about 11:00 AM my wife's sister gave birth to her second son. He weighed in at about 8lbs and was 21 inches long. We are excited to have a new little nephew. I got a chance to hold him last night and it is so amazing how tiny babies are when they are first born. Today is Thanksgiving and we are busy baking and getting ready for a big feast, so I gotta go!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

"Remember, I am not Pregnant"

It is pretty depressing each month when we find out that we aren't pregnant. My wife has been trying hard to follow a specific diet for trying to conceive, so early on when she found out she wasn't pregnant each month, I would tell her to go ahead and indulge in the little things she enjoys (mainly coffee). This month we found out we weren't pregnant yet again, and of course we aren't too happy about that! Last night I got a phone call from my wife and she wanted to know if she could buy $100 pair of jeans. I barely had time to think about my answer when she said, in a very sad tone, "Remember, I am not pregnant!" How can I say no to that?! It seems as though these little things I told her to indulge in have started to get bigger and more expensive. I am getting worried now that if we aren't pregnant in a few months, the "little indulgence" will be the furniture set she has been wanting. A few months more and I will be buying her a new car.

"One Sterile Cup Please!"

The time has come for me to get tested...that's right, a semen analysis. My wife called me today and said she was going to the doctors office to pick up one of those sterile plastic cups to bring home. Since I was already on my way home, I decided that I would just go and pick it up. In the car on my way to the doctors office I was contemplating how I would ask for the cup. I thought to myself, "Um yes, I need one of those semen cups"...no that doesn't sound good, "Can I have one of those little cups you usually pee in"...nope, that won't work. It was about 3:30 and the office closed at 4:00 so I figured it would be pretty quiet. I opened the door and the eyes of about 15-20 women that were all sitting around the waiting room looked up at me. It was right about then that I realized it would have been much better for my wife to pick up the cup. I walked up to the counter and the eyes all followed me. "Can I get one sterile cup please?" The room was small enough for everyone to hear what was being said, so I was praying that the nurse wouldn't go into any detailed directions on what I needed to do. Luckily she just remained quiet and handed me the cup. I hurried out of the office, not making eye contact with anyone. I am hoping that I won't have to go through that again!

Celebrity Adoption

It is interesting to me that many people wanting to adopt a child go through such a long waiting period, sometimes years! However, if you are a celebrity, the process is super quick. Look how easy it is for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Madonna, Meg Ryan, etc.

This might sound crazy, but I am thinking that it would be easier to become a celebrity first and then adopt once you've gained fame and fortune. Just start a band and put your music on Myspace, then bug people by sending them friend requests until you sucker enough of them into liking your music. Or, you could star in some low budget film that goes on to be a film festival hit or a "Napoleon Dynamite." See, an easy solution to the difficulties of adoption. The only problem is after you are a celebrity and you adopt, you have to deal with all of the heat from the press. But if you just team up with Oprah, everyone will love you and all will be good!!

Am I the problem?

We just got the call from the nurse that my wife definitly ovulated and at "very very high levels". Last month they told us the ovulation was at "high levels" but now it is very very high. This, of course, is great news! The only downside is that if we aren't pregnant this month than I will have to go get checked. Could this mean that I have "slow swimmers"? or maybe they are just really bad at finding their way around.

I have been doing a bit of reading about sperm and fertilization. Apparently the X sperm (females) are strong and live long, but are slow, while the Y sperm (males) are fast, but weak and die quickly. What I want to know is, how did they discover this? And is there some kind of medical machine that would allow us to watch this race to fertilization take place. It would be cool if we could bet on which sperm will win, kind of like horse racing: "Here comes #4 around the corner, but #9 is not far behind...wait...wait...#6,890,876 is making a huge comeback in the outside lane!"
That would be awesome!

My wife is a fainter

My wifey and I went to the doctor yesterday to have her blood taken to see if she ovulated this month. This sounds like a pretty simple task, the only problem is my wife is a fainter. Yep, that's right, the needle comes out and she goes down! The past two times she has gone in, I haven't been there, and she somehow miraculously made it through both times without fainting. She was pretty sure that she had it down and was becoming a pro. So yesterday we went in and she seemed to be doing great. The nurse put the needle in my wife's arm and took her blood, she took the needle out and wrapped up her arm, it was done...or so I thought. My wife looked up at me and said she felt faint so I walked over to hold on to her and out she went. She came to seconds later and I got her calmed down while the nurse went to get some crackers and sprite. After we left the office my wife asked me if she did anything weird while she was out. I told her no and asked why. She told me that while she was out she had a dream that she was making "humping moves" into the air, kind of like when a drunk guy gets on the dance floor. She said she was worried that she had tried to hump the nurses leg! We laughed all the way home.


For any of you who also suffer from fainting due to needles. I came across a website dedicated to Needle Phobia.The site provides information on the medical condition, steps toward treatment, and stories from the many others who share this condition.

Waiting for the Arrival of Nephew #2

We are eagerly anticipating the arrival of our second nephew. My wife's sister is due any day now and we can't wait. It is possible that we could be spending much of Thanksgiving day at the hospital. My wife is anxious to watch the birth. She was there when her sister gave birth to her first son and was also invited to watch one of her best friends give birth. I figure that this is a good thing for her to get a lot of exposure and experience for what it is like. This way when it is our turn, my wife can be all cool and calm because she has seen it all, and I can run around like, "holy shit, what is going on!"

Baby Names

Even though my wife and I have yet to get pregnant, we have frequently discussed, or rather, argued about baby names. The problem is, we don't agree on much of anything. My wife is into traditional names and I like the more radical stuff. Ever since I found out that actor Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor Lee, I have really tried to talk my wife into names like Captain or Three Dee, but she isn't going for it.

I found this cool baby name graph program. The tool allows you to type in a name and it shows you how the name has ranked throughout history (when it was most popular, how it ranks today, etc.) Not to my surprise, many of the names I like don't even exist!

NOT OVULATING

So, we found out not too long ago that my wife was not ovulating. What a drag! We have been on a strict sex regiment for months (not that I am complaining), but it has been doing no good because without ovulation there is no chance of conception. My wife went into the doctor to see what options we have and he is recommending that my wife take a fertility drug called Clomid. The first thing that went through my head is, "great, now we are going to have quintuplets." The doctor told us that with Clomid, the chance of multiple births is only 8-10% higher than in normal circumstances and that if it is a multiple birth it is usually only twins. I guess two is better than none! I decided to do a little research on Clomid on the Internet. Many people seemed to have success on the drug, which was great to hear, but many women also complained of the side effects which were mostly pretty normal: headache, nausea, hot flashes, mood changes...wait what?...I began to get nervous. You see with my wife side effects of drugs are multiplied by like 10, so mood changes can be a bit more like Godzilla attacking New York.

My wife started the Clomid and things went pretty well at first. The hot flashes started to kick in. We would be riding in the car and she would turn on the AC full blast, even though it was only like 50 degrees outside. Usually I am the hot one, but this time it was me freezing and trying to turn off the AC when she wasn't looking. Towards the end of her taking the medicine the mood changes kicked in and she would go through big ups and downs. On one trip to Walmart she got upset with me, took my keys and left the store. I am pretty sure she was planning on just leaving me there.

All in all we are getting through it!! I joke around about a lot of what happens, but I really give my wife a ton of credit. She has been doing so well through all of this. It is an emotional roller coaster for the both of us and she is the one who has had to deal with taking medication and not feeling well. I love her so much and she is truly my hero for going through all of this and trying to stay as positive as possible!!!

Frustrations with Health Insurance

Both my wife and I are hairstylists. We both really love what we do, however, it is a job that comes with a few downsides (other than dealing with picky customers and standing all day! lol). One of the biggest downsides is that there is no health insurance and no retirement funds or 401K's. We have an individual family plan that we thought covered most things, but when it comes to having a baby they pretty much leave you hanging out to dry! All of the plans in the state we live in have a mandatory $5,000 maternity deductible, which basically means they don't pay for any of it. I couldn't believe it, what a bunch of crap. I am paying this company on a monthly basis and we hardly use them as is, but then when we really need it we get screwed. It is times like these when I think that some of the other countries around the world are doing things right by offering national health care.

Pregnant Women....they're everywhere!!!!!

I don't know if I just never paid attention, or if it is only when you are trying to conceive that you notice that there are pregnant women around every corner. Everywhere we go lately there are tons of pregnant women, it is as if they are trying to rub it in our face that they got pregnant and we are having troubles. If we go to a restaurant, our waitress is pregnant; if we go swimming, it is pregnant day at the pool. Even the celebrities are having more and more babies. If only I had sperm like K-fed and my wife was as fertile as Britney Spears.

Pee strips, spit testers, and basal thermometers

So, I thought buying ovulation kits would be a simple task. Little did I know that there were so many different types. We decided to give ourselves the possible best chance and so we tried three different types.

First, we have the pee strips. Now, many of the kits at the store have like 3 or 5 tests, which would be great if we knew when the magic three days were going to happen, but if we knew that then we wouldn't be buying the damn things. I decided to look on the internet and I came across 40 tests for like $15. At first I thought I would do some research on them, but I decided "what the hell" if they don't work I am out $15, no big deal. Well, needless to say, I should have researched them. We received them and I read the instructions and they were about as clear as mud--If one line shows up it means nothing, If two lines show up it could mean something but only if the second line is as dark or darker than the first line, and if so it means you may ovulate tomorrow. We tried them anyway, but we never got a good reading.

Second, we have the spit test. I don't know the science behind it all, but my wife would just spit on one end of this little plastic scope and then we would take the other end and place it over the spit so we could look at it through the magnifying eyehole. The instructions have some crappy drawings of what you are looking for, supposedly it should like like little ferns?? All I ever saw was magnified bubbly spit. The guy who invented this crappy thing must be laughing all the way to the bank.

Finally, we have the basal thermometer. This method is pretty popular among many people on the internet. You basically have the woman take her temp every morning and chart it. When the temp jumps up like .4 to .8 degrees than ovulation is occurring. So, we tried that too.

Why is it so easy for everyone else??

The frustration in conceiving a child all began when we didn't get pregnant the first try. Now I know that sounds bad and that it happens to a lot of people, but it just so happens that pretty much everyone around us was getting pregnant right and left, so naturally we thought that would be the case for us. So many of our friends had no problem getting pregnant.

My wife and I had been "practicing" for the big event for three years. I must say, most of the time practicing for something isn't too enjoyable, but when it comes to practicing for conception, that is not the case!! We really wanted to be on the ball about things, so a few months before we started trying my wife started to read books and research on the internet to find the best methods to have successful conception and all the different ways to track her ovulation.

Now, I didn't know much about this ovulation stuff so I decided to read into it as well. I soon found out that there are pretty much only three "very fertile" days in a whole month...three days??? thats it only three freaking days that our chances were really high. All of the times in the past when I worried about getting pregnant before we wanted to and now I find out that it is really pretty damn hard to actually get pregnant.

So, with all of our new knowledge about ovulation, we sent to the store to buy some ovulation prediction kits.

Trying to Conceive

So, here goes nothing. This is a little blog dedicated to the journey my wife and I are on as we try to conceive a child. This journey actually started quite a while ago and we are still hoping to conceive. I needed a way to express my feelings and so I decided a blog would be a good option!! So, here is how the story goes thus far.